C'mon Oprah, Buy an NFL Team

Dear Oprah Winfrey,

Please buy an NFL franchise.

Buy an NFL franchise 'cause it would be fun! Can you say eye candy? Gayle would love you forever, and I'm sure Steadman wouldn't mind eight dates per year in the owners box. How else can a woman make her best friend and significant other THAT happy in one shopping trip?

Buy an NFL franchise 'cause it's good business. You can put a book on the best sellers list with a mention. You can cripple an industry with an offhand comment. Are you telling me you can't sell out 10 little home games?

Adam Glassman can design uniforms so the offensive linemen no longer look like schlumpadinkas, or schlumpadinkos. Whatever the male term for the schlumpadink is.

You could do a show called "Exes and Oh's" where you interview ex-wives and girlfriends of players, and find out what it's really like to be an NFL wife. Maybe throw in a competition for a date with your team's most eligible bachelor. Women love muscular men in tight pants and women love you. How can combining these two great loves not work out?

You'd be like the peanut butter and chocolate of the entertainment industry.

Dr. Phil could run a rookie "Boot Camp" where he counsels new players through the tough choices they're going to have to make as an NFL star. Seminars could include topics like:

"Nightclub Exit Strategies"
"How To Fire Your Bodyguard Non-Violently"
"I Know You Don't Hear It Very Often, But No Means No"
"Don't Drive With Weed"
"Or Cocaine, Silly"
"Dragging Her By The Hair Doesn't Improve Your Argument"
"Normally, Women Do The Drink Throwing"

OK the boot camp might have to be a little long, but you get where I'm going.

Dr. Oz could be on your medical staff, and perhaps through hypnosis we could find out what goes through one's mind during a concussion.

Buy an NFL franchise because the NFL needs you. The NFL needs an African-American owner. Why not you? The banks aren't exactly lending money these days and you've got the cash.

Who could possibly do a better job of teaching this group of high profile men respect for women? Jerry Jones? I don't think the "Sex Boat" would've happened if Oprah Winfrey was on the NFL's competition committee. It wouldn't be so acceptable to drag your girlfriend down a flight stairs if Harpo Entertainment owned a team.

You make an impact Oprah, help some young brothers out.

Buy an NFL franchise 'cause you have the best giveaways. How cool would it be to find out everyone in the stadium just won a car?

Just buy an NFL franchise. Please? You'll make money, and help the league we love so much.